The Tree Caveman Archetypes of Male Sexuality

The caveman with the most insatiable urge to insensitively, indiscriminately, forcefully fuck all the fertile young females….. guess what?  He was the ass hole whose DNA got passed on.  So here it is, the year is 2012.  I’m an intelligent, sensitive, thoughtful fellow, but I also happen to be the great great great great great great……… grandson of Og the Inseminator.  And I can’t tell you what a pain in the ass it is to be shackled to one of these fucking things [grab crotch].  I’ve wished for years that I could put my testicles in a safe deposit box and come back and get them ten years later when I actually need them for something.

Closely related to Og the Inseminator is Hok the Hunter.  Hok is just as horny and determined as Og, but Hok is also a very skilled hunter so he’s discovered that he can get his DNA passed on to future generations by trading meat for sex.  So he’s essentially replaced force and determination with manipulation and coercion.  Imagine being the skinniest female in your cave clan and Hok the Hunter is standing there with a big piece of meat.  You look around at the women who are putting out to Hok and they’re all a little plumper than you.  You know that at this rate, they will survive the next famine and you will not.  So you have little choice but to spread your legs for this jerk.

While Hok the Hunter is out hunting, Og the Inseminator is crawling in the back door of Hok’s cave hoping to bone Hok’s woman.  But meanwhile, guess who is crawling in the back door of Og’s cave???  And he’s bringing a frumpy little bouquet of flowers and a basket of these interesting mushrooms he discovered growing out of a big mastodon turd.  It’s Plok the Pleaser.   

You see, Plok the Pleaser isn’t as aggressive and insensitive as Og the Inseminator and he isn’t as skilled and manipulative a hunter as Hok the Hunter, but he’s discovered that he can pass his DNA on to future generations by being nice to women – by being sensitive.  Indeed, to some degree, Plok is crawling in the back door of Og’s cave because he feels sorry for Og’s woman being essentially enslaved by such a jerk as Og.

Never before in the history of our species has a woman gotten pregnant because of semen squirting out of the tip of a man’s tongue.  So there has to be some explanation for the considerable percentage of men who enjoy licking a woman.  When a descendant of Plok the Pleaser kneels down before a woman’s sweetness, he feels a genuine sense of reverence and wonder at the mystery of her sexuality.  He also has a greater appreciation for the beauty of the female form in all its different shapes and sizes.

So men!  Let us understand how natural selection has shaped our sexual behavior.  Let us hurl Og the Inseminator and Hok the Hunter into the primordial ooz pit of humanity’s primitive and ugly past and let us make Plok the Pleaser the central operating principle of male sexual behavior from this point forward.